Year Mark

Yesterday marked a year since my Grandma Creekmur passed away. This whole year has been marked with the strange realization that I can’t call her (or my other grandmother for that matter), that she won’t be sending me cards, that I won’t be sending her cards, that we won’t be calling each other on our birthdays, that I won’t see her at family get togethers, we won’t be having Thanksgiving at her house or Christmas. I think about her every day. I mostly think about both of my grandmothers when I am cooking. I really don’t know why but for some reason they are always in my thoughts then. And I have dreams about her. At first when I would dream about her it would haunt me the day after because I couldn’t shake the dreams. But then I came to understand that I was dreaming of her (and my other grandma) because it was easier to dream about them than to think those thoughts out during the day. It was safer to dream. I remember one dream I had when my sister and I saw my Grandma Creekmur and we just hugged and said “We missed you so much”. And then somewhat recently I had a dream that I had a baby girl and named her Emmy after my Grandma. I have decided that I like having these dreams, it’s nice that they are still such a part of my life. It’s comforting that I still feel that close to her. In the day I don’t always know what to do with my thoughts of her. She had a hard time at the end of her life and it’s hard to remember that and make peace with it but in my dreams- in that space of not awake and reality not being clear I can feel close to her and not have to worry about what is real and not real. A whole year since I have seen or spoken to her. I miss her. I remember her.