Well I couldn't do it.
I started taking Zoloft. And the feeling of failure is not as strong as my feeling of happiness.
But I do feel a certain sense of failure. I really wish I could have stuck with it. With not taking anything to help myself. But I was so down. It wasn't the OCD, it was the feeling of depression.I don't even remember the last time I have felt so depressed. I really tried to just keep going but I truly could not see feeling that way. It wasn't getting better, it was getting worse and more complicated.
I couldn't hold a happy thought for longer than ten seconds. I was just all over the place.
And now that I am taking a Zoloft I feel better. It worked quickly, maybe because I still had Paxil in my system or maybe it's the Placebo affect. I think part of the reason I started feeling better so quickly was that it was a relief to finally just figure out what I was going to do.
And I am trying to tell myself that just because I can't do it now doesn't mean I won't be able to get off it at some point.
And I am just trying to let it go. (Adele Denzim anyone?). This is the way I am and I am just dealing with it the best way I know how. And right now I feel good about the decision I made.