Suddenly I See

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Please don't tell me I can't make it

If I spoken to you in the last couple of months or so than you know that I am weaning off of Paxil (I really just have to tell everyone). And up until the past three weeks I felt like a rockstar about it. I felt great without it. And actually for the reasons I have been taking it I still feel great without it. I took it mainly for my OCD. And I feel unaffected in that regards (of course that could change once it is all out my system). And I don't feel necessarily more anxious without it.

But as of the last three weeks I feel more increasingly on edge without it. Like at any minute I will loose my mind. And it's a roller coaster. I will be great for an hour and something will set me off and I will want to flip out. And I can't help it. God, I want to help it but I can't make the feeling of anger stop. I am so easily annoyed. Over nothing. In fact I feel like sometimes I am making up things to feel annoyed about. Annoyed and overwhelmed. And my life is not overwhelming but right now weaning off this drug I am so overwhelmed.

And the doctor told me to take Xanax when I feel this way.
And I have.
And I fight it every time because it feels like I am failing. Even if it is just temporary.

But without it
I feel like a raving lunatic
and then the next hour in a really good place
and then the next hour a total bitch and I can't understand how anyone would want to talk to me
and it sucks
and I am having a constant pity party for myself
because what if I always feel this way
what if I have to take an anti depressant my whole life because I can't do this
what if I always take Xanax
what if I am never in a good enough place in this regards to get pregnant
what if I get pregnant and all this crap makes me have a miscarriage
and what if one more person asks when I am going to have a baby
and this is what I do to myself all day

and this is what I never used to do myself ever, and is this all normal?  Is this how other people have always felt?

I hate even more that Xanax makes me feel better. Sedated and better.
Yesterday I took one in the morning and one in the evening and I swear I almost slipped into a coma.

Why do I have to live my life on drugs? It shouldn't have to be this way and I take it as a fail.
And the scariest part is what if this is just the way I am- what if I was just sedated by Paxil for a decade?

I wanted to write a blog about what a success this has all been, but it doesn't feel like that anymore. It feels like I stopped taking an antidepressant and now have to take something for panic attacks. I want someone to tell me this will pass. Will it?! I have to know.

But today feels like a victory because I didn't take a Xanax. I did take an hour and half walk with Kona and it made me feel so good. But the problem is I have to go to work, I have to talk to people, I can't just take my dog on a walk all day.

But I felt so much peace and happiness this evening and I heard this song and I cried because really this is it-

"Magdalena" - Brandon Flowers

Please don't tell me I can't make it
It ain't gonna do me any good
And please don't offer me your modern methods
I'm fixing to carve this out of wood

From Nogales to Magdalena
There are 60 miles of sacred road
And the promises made to those who venture
San Francisco will lift your load

In the land of old Sonora
A shallow river valley cries
The summer left her without forgiveness
It's mirrored in her children's eyes
Prodigal sons and wayward daughters
Carry mandas that they might
Be delivered from the depths of darkness
And born again by candlelight
And born again by candlelight

Blisters on my feet, wooden rosary
I felt them in my pocket as I ran
A bullet in the night
A Federales' light
San Francisco, do you understand?

Tell him that I made the journey
And tell him that my heart is true
I’d like his blessing of forgiveness before the angels send it through

And I will know that I am clean now
And I will dance and the band will play
In the old out to cantina
Cause we’ll runneth over the ancient clay

And if I should fall to temptation when I return to evil throes
From Nogales to Magdalena
As a two time beggar
I will go where I know I can be forgiven
The broken heart of Mexico
The broken heart of Mexico
The broken heart of Mexico 

**And I have said it before and I will say it till the day I die- I could not get through this life without the amazing women in my life. My family of strong women and my girlfriends who listen to me rant and answer my crazy texts. I love you. And if I am always like this than I am lucky to go through it with you all.**


Jenn said...

You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Taking the Xanax is not failing. The courage that you have shown is inspiring, and life will not always be this way.

You have to remember that when you got on the Paxil, it took a few months to start working completely. It will take a while for your moods to stabilize now. We love you, and you can crazy text me anytime!

vickie said...