Suddenly I See

Saturday, October 5, 2013

I want to write something honest

I am sensitive,
but more sensitive for other people's feelings
like if worrying about other people's feeling were a job, well then I would be Oprah rich

But I am sensitive for myself also,
I just try to justify everything
or overlook everything
maybe to save myself from getting hurt

I drink way too much soda
like if drinking soda were a job, I would be Bill Gates rich
but I won't stop
Well if I get pregnant, I will stop
but then root beer doesn't have caffeine so it may still be a battle
but I wouldn't put all that sugar in my body if I was pregnant
like I care more about this baby I haven't even conceived than my own actual body
makes sense right?
I just wrote more about soda then I did about being sensitive

The older I get the more socially anxious I get
like I will be talking to someone and the whole time I will be nervous about how the conversation is going
and then after I have to rehash it in my head to see if I said anything stupid. I did. I always do
But there is consolation knowing that no one thinks about what I said as much as I think about what I said.
I mean look how many "I"s are in this paragraph. I really think about myself a lot
But I think about others a lot also

Also I spent $30 on a dog Halloween costume tonight
that's where I am at in life- in case you were wondering
But I am going to return it- not because its a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a dog Halloween costume but because the XXL is still too small for the dog

I love to watch television
I could just fill my days with "Law and Order" and "Dateline" and "Roseanne" and "King of Queens" and "Everybody Loves Raymond"
I can watch the same episode of the same show over and over and never get sick of it
There is a strange comfort in it
My Grandma Creekmur was the same way- maybe that's where I get it from.
She also hated mushrooms. I hate mushrooms.
God, please don't let those freak mushrooms grow in our backyard again this year

I miss the relationship I had with my Dad
It's so hard to let go of the person I knew for the person who is
I am lucky to still have him but I would be luckier if it was the way it was before
It is so much easier now to put it all out of my mind
but when it comes back in it still hurts just as much, it still makes so little sense

I am in a Fantasy Football league
I have no idea what I am doing
but I am in 2nd place in my league

It is nearly impossible for me to live in the moment
It is my life's work to enjoy this very moment
I read a quote in a book recently that I think of when I am reminiscing too much about the past or thinking too much about the future-
"There would seem to be nothing more obvious, more tangible and palpable than the present moment. And yet it eludes us completely. All of the sadness of life lies in that fact". -Milan Kundera

But all of this is me
And you know what? I like me

I was just trying to think who said that in a move- "I like me". It was John Candy, in "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles


Eliza said...

I love it. And I love you!!!!

Pam said...

I love your post. All of the things you have written about are what make you you. And I love who you are.

Jenn said...

I love when you get introspective. You always make me see truths in myself by opening up about your thoughts.