Suddenly I See

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Take it easy

I have been thinking a lot lately about my anxiety. I guess that's what you would call it. I have mostly been thinking of it because last week I had to have an ultrasound of my ovaries because the doctor thought that I might have ovarian cysts. I was having a lot of pain on my right side off and on or about a month. Last week I decided to go to the doctor. She said that it might be ovarian cysts. I was kind of surprised by that and because she said I could go have the test done right then I didn't ask her a lot of questions. Turns out that I couldn't get the test done then because I had to have an appt. and also drink a gallon (well it felt like it) before the ultrasound. So I had to wait a couple of days.

This was a couple of days to worry about all the possible horrible outcomes. I have a wild imagination. I just worry. I was even compelled to call the doctor a couple of times to make sure she didn't think that I had cancer. She didn't, but I still wasn't reassured. The afternoon before I went I was able to reassure myself that nothing was wrong but then during the ultrasound the technician didn't make me feel too confident so I became concerned again. It took me awhile to talk myself out of my negative thoughts. I started to think that I just pulled a muscle so that made me less concerned. The next day the doctor did call me and tell me that I didn't have ovarian cysts and that the ultrasound came back normal. Which as you can tell was a huge relief. She said that she didn't think anything was wrong. And this week my side does feel better so it probably was just a muscle

The point of this post wasn't to reinforce that I am neurotic but just to explore the thought that maybe no matter the type and amount of medication I take and the amount of therapy I have this is just who I am. This is how I react. Maybe I will always just be an anxious person. It has all made me wonder if so much of who we are is just that- who we are. No matter how much I try to change something this is who I am. I know that the things I do to ease my anxiety and OCD do help and there certainly is no reason not to continue doing them but if this is who I am then maybe it's just better to accept it. Maybe it will help me just to know that this is how I react to these sort of things and then go from there. Is there such a thing as a different normal for everyone? I have always thought of myself as a bit abnormal when it comes to the way I worry. But I think that just may be because I have been in and out of therapy for so long that I never think the way I feel is normal. Maybe this whole post is just to say that I shouldn't be so hard on myself? Everyone's normal is different.

Is it so simple as I just need to accept who I am? It is not that I don't like myself. To be honest I actually have a great fondness for me. It's just that maybe I could make being me easier. I don't want my anxiety to wear on me just as much as I don't want it to wear on other people.

Can I change this? I would love to. But I just have been pondering if it is even possible. I really think that my best shot is just to accept it and learn who I am and then, take the advice that I give other people all the time, just not be so hard on myself.


Beth said...

You are brave and amazing. There are definitely different normals and you really shouldn't be so hard on yourself. I love you

Pam said...

I'm quite fond of you also. Everyone worries, it is how we are, and I definitely believe you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

vickie said...

My thought is not that you should be worried about the acceptance part, since clearly there is nothing to accept here, you are who you are. And the facat of the matter is that you are amazing. Deal with that. We are all different and that is the best part of us.

I love you. You, not the version that you think you should be or the one that society wants you to be, but you the one that you are.

Be okay with you. Be happy with you.