I have been thinking a lot lately about my anxiety. I guess that's what you would call it. I have mostly been thinking of it because last week I had to have an ultrasound of my ovaries because the doctor thought that I might have ovarian cysts. I was having a lot of pain on my right side off and on or about a month. Last week I decided to go to the doctor. She said that it might be ovarian cysts. I was kind of surprised by that and because she said I could go have the test done right then I didn't ask her a lot of questions. Turns out that I couldn't get the test done then because I had to have an appt. and also drink a gallon (well it felt like it) before the ultrasound. So I had to wait a couple of days.
This was a couple of days to worry about all the possible horrible outcomes. I have a wild imagination. I just worry. I was even compelled to call the doctor a couple of times to make sure she didn't think that I had cancer. She didn't, but I still wasn't reassured. The afternoon before I went I was able to reassure myself that nothing was wrong but then during the ultrasound the technician didn't make me feel too confident so I became concerned again. It took me awhile to talk myself out of my negative thoughts. I started to think that I just pulled a muscle so that made me less concerned. The next day the doctor did call me and tell me that I didn't have ovarian cysts and that the ultrasound came back normal. Which as you can tell was a huge relief. She said that she didn't think anything was wrong. And this week my side does feel better so it probably was just a muscle
The point of this post wasn't to reinforce that I am neurotic but just to explore the thought that maybe no matter the type and amount of medication I take and the amount of therapy I have this is just who I am. This is how I react. Maybe I will always just be an anxious person. It has all made me wonder if so much of who we are is just that- who we are. No matter how much I try to change something this is who I am. I know that the things I do to ease my anxiety and OCD do help and there certainly is no reason not to continue doing them but if this is who I am then maybe it's just better to accept it. Maybe it will help me just to know that this is how I react to these sort of things and then go from there. Is there such a thing as a different normal for everyone? I have always thought of myself as a bit abnormal when it comes to the way I worry. But I think that just may be because I have been in and out of therapy for so long that I never think the way I feel is normal. Maybe this whole post is just to say that I shouldn't be so hard on myself? Everyone's normal is different.
Is it so simple as I just need to accept who I am? It is not that I don't like myself. To be honest I actually have a great fondness for me. It's just that maybe I could make being me easier. I don't want my anxiety to wear on me just as much as I don't want it to wear on other people.
Can I change this? I would love to. But I just have been pondering if it is even possible. I really think that my best shot is just to accept it and learn who I am and then, take the advice that I give other people all the time, just not be so hard on myself.