A couple of weeks ago I had this conversation with someone:
Other person: Do you go to church?
Me: No
Other person: Do you believe in God?
Me: Yes
I startled myself with the speed and confidence that I answered the question. Normally when answering that question I hesitate and give a vague answer because I never really knew. It was a good feeling to be able to answer that. I don't know where it comes from and I don't even know that the type of God I believe in would even make sense to anyone else. But in my heart I know my God and I know that he knows me. This recent knowledge brings me to tears whenever I think of it. It's a growing concept for me so I can't even describe it fully. But I like the feeling it gives me.
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Work has been tough lately. It's very busy and there are elements of it that overwhelm me. Are they real problems? No. Is it something I will care about in six weeks? Maybe. Six months? Probably not. Six years? Definently not. Compared to things other people have on their plates it's nothing. Do I hate my job? Not at all. There are just challenges that when all put together overwhelm me.
There are points in some of my days at work that I will go in the bathroom and shed a few quiet tears. Not sad tears, just frustrated ones. I will sit in a stall and pray for God, the God that I can feel in me, that I feel loves and knows me, to teach me how to keep my mouth shut, how to find balance, to teach me to be kind, to understand. I pray that God will show me how to look at the grand scheme, to understand this is a tiny moment. The things that frustrate me really should teach me, maybe they will never change, but maybe I can. Maybe my perception can change. Most of all I pray to God that he will guide me in a positive direction.
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Sometimes after work (or on a lunch break) I put my Tim McGraw cd in the car and I listen to this song.
And it brings such a calm over me. And I cry. I can't listen to this song without crying. The words make me contemplate God and the last verse gives me chills because this is my feeling towards God. It makes me know that my issues with work are nothing and I know where I need to go for myself to feel at peace.
There's a place I want to go
Where I can hear the cotton grow
Midnight train whistles blow
A dozen miles down the road
And all I have to do is be still
There's a place I need to be
Mom and Dad my sister and me
First time I ever saw the beach
Back to 1983
And all I have to do is just be still
When the road gets crazy
And tries to break me
And I've had all I can stand
I can close my eyes no matter where I am
And just be still
Theres a place I love to be
Where it's just my baby and me
Close enough to feel the heat
All wound up beneath the sheets
And all I have to do is just be still
When the road gets crazy
And tries to break me
And I've had all I can stand
I can close my eyes no matter where I am
And just be still
There's a place I need to go
Where stained glass windows glow
Every part of me is known
Thank God I can go there
Thank God I can go there
Still
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And there are nights like tonight when we are celebrating my mom being cancer free for four years that I love God more than I ever thought possible.
5 comments:
Katie, you are amazing! You again brought me to tears with you blogging. I really think that you should try doing writing of some kind, maybe short stories, I don't know. You express yourself so well and make the reader know a part of you. I love you so much.
4 years, has it been that long?? That's so great!
I love your thoughts on God. (don't cue annoying song from the '90s about "thoughts on God") Also--I haven't heard that Tim McGraw song. Will have to check it out. "Being still" is something I have trouble with sometimes. But when I am able to slow down and block the extraneous stuff out...like going underwater...that's when I feel that I can know God, and when I remember that he knows me.
Beautiful post. Made me teary, because I too struggle with being too frustrated in the moment to appreciate the bigger picture. Love you!
This post touched my heart. I was listening to the radio the other day and they were talking about being in a relationship with God. I think you have exactly that. And you're right, He knows you well and loves every little thing about you.
Hooray for Pam being cancer-free!
You may not be in church, but I am here to tell you that you get it! God is touching your heart because you are willing to let him and you are willing to let him use you as your vessel to reach others. I know a lot of Christians who aren't as spiritually mature in the things that matter as you are, Katie. You are amazing beyond words and such a treasure in my life. You have no idea how you bless me!
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