Suddenly I See

Monday, April 29, 2013


I have been thinking a lot lately about how nostalgic I am, about how it's hard for me to live in the present. This isn't new, I have always been this way. I have always been slow to deal with change. It's just difficult for me. Maybe it is for everyone.

Over the weekend I was talking to my Mom, Vickie, and my Aunt about it and I started to contemplate why it's hard for me to live in the moment. They made some great points and gave me a lot to think about. A lot of it is just letting go. Letting go of the way things were, yes they were great and they are memories that I will always have but I certainly don't want to miss out on great moments that I am having now. I don't mean to portray that I am in a constant state of reflecting on the past, it's not like that. It's just that I often think about the past. 

 I have gotten a handle of not always looking forward to the future and enjoying what I have now. I really have improved in that area and feel that I really do just take things as they come. 
Maybe it's so hard to let go of because then I have to accept that things are different. It hasn't been easy that in the span of a year and a half my parents separated and both of my grandmothers passed away. Even though things weren't perfect in the past my parents were still together and my grandmothers were still alive. And that's how I know that a lot of my nostalgia is that I don't like those changes. I have accepted them but I don't like them. I think looking to the past may be a crutch for me. A crutch that I don't use all of the time but maybe when things get harder to accept again I lean on it and then I am stuck in a spiral of memories that make me comfortable.

Yet through all this I know that I have a beautiful life and though that year and a half time span had rough spots some amazing things also happened- Rodger and I got married, my beautiful niece was born, my family grew closer, we bought a house, and life is happy.

I know this is something I have to work on. To that end I was so proud of myself to start cleaning our garage and get rid of things that I was hanging on to for reasons of just memories. And I am going to make my best effort to live in the present. My memories will always be there but I want to reflect on them for pleasure not as a crutch.

I have always known that the past, present, and future are all very good things. All to be enjoyed as they are and not as coping mechanisms.

I can do it!

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